Mom, Military Spouse or Me

Motherhood definitely made me lose a big part of myself, but I think the military took the rest of who I am and shoved her into a box labeled “spouse.” Because in the eyes of most, especially the government, that’s all I am while my husband builds his career within the military. I can’t recognize who I am and I don’t remember who I was before putting all my life into my husbands career and our children’s upbringing. And this is in no way to say I regret a single choice I’ve made. I love my kids with everything I have and would support my husband in every career choice he made. But I’m finding this life more difficult than I bargained for, cue the people saying “but this is what you signed on for when you married into the military.” And there’s the thing, I didn’t ‘marry into the military,’ I married my husband who happens to be in the military. Why should I choose not to spend my life with the person that I love purely because of their career? I can manage it, I can deal with it. But at the end of the day it’s still hard, it’s still the biggest challenge I’ve had to face. And just because it’s the path I chose to take doesn’t diminish the fact that it’s a struggle and nothing could have prepared me for it.

On the other side of things, being a mom has completely taken over my identity. (I type while I’m surrounded by 3 kids, one of which is trying to cover me in applesauce) It took me a long time to do anything for myself, and even then I constantly think of, worry about and acquire things for my kids the entire time. My mind is so consumed by thoughts of my children I barely have the space to think about myself. I’ve never gone a day without one of my children, I don’t get babysitters (besides grandma who lives almost 1,000 miles away) and they’re all completely reliant on me. Monsters of my own creation, in all reality. I’m unable to fathom leaving them, especially with someone who is not my husband(their dad) or my own mom, that I simply don’t do most things. I miss out on opportunities and I fail with friendships because I am constantly putting my kids above everything, even myself.

Six months after having my third, and final, baby I decided to stop breastfeeding. A decision that caused me to spiral in several directions. I felt guilty for giving up, when I had gone an entire year with my other two kids. But at the same time, I felt like I was finally getting a piece of myself back that I lost when I first found out I was pregnant back in 2020. Ultimately, this ended up being the best decision I could have made for both myself and my baby. He started to thrive on bottles while I, didn’t thrive per say, but started to feel more like Nicole and less like just a mom. I started making friends, I started getting back into shape and being comfortable in my skin and most of all I started writing again. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, every step I take in the direction of being Nicole I feel a sense of guilt that I’m less of their mom. I definitely have an overwhelming sense of mom guilt that I still need to work on. But I’ve taken the steps to be me again which I know, deep down, will make me an even better mom in the long run. So thought I still struggle deciphering who I am, mom, spouse or me, I know that all three are shaping me. I just need to learn the balance amongst them all.