Just getting through

This post was not my intention this week. I had a whole outline of an idea that I started writing, but I am drowning. I’m struggling with absolutely everything that this post feels both needed and necessary.

I solo parent a lot, feels like about 50% of the time, because of my husbands job. This is a whole other can of worms that I genuinely cannot get into right now. However, sometimes this arrangement, this life, takes a hard toll on me that I can’t shake. I’m struggling with my emotions, I’m finding it impossible to deal with all of the kids constant attitudes, and sometimes, this week especially, none of us are clicking whatsoever.

First of all, my 4 year old cannot for the life of her stay in her bed until 6am. 6AM! The other morning she threw my door open and startled me awake at 5:30 shouting that it was 6 o’clock. I’ve reached a breaking point because it’s some version of this story almost every morning. If she’s not getting out of her bed this early she’s sitting in her bed screaming and crying for me, always me. And that’s just how the day starts.

Second, my 2 year old has her own set of attitudes, but honestly I know every toddler does. It just feels like it’s pushed to the limit when my husband is gone. Every little thing sets her off, she’s constantly fighting with my 4 year old and she’s just at an age where she simply can’t listen. It’s all very normal things for a 2 year old, but combined with everything else is just setting me off even more.

Lastly, my 1 year old is currently going through, what feels like, a million growth spurts at once. He’s just a constant array of emotions, I have no clue which version of him is going to come about. He does this super fun thing where he just screams at me, all the time, for every little thing. If I’m not getting his food fast enough, if I’m not picking him up at that instance, if his sisters have a toy he wants. Trust me, I know very well this is how babies will communicate because they don’t know any other way, but this has just been so hard.

I have become so overwhelmed, and I understand this situation is nothing unusual. I understand all kids go through these types of things. But all of this at once, solo parenting and just my general sense of loneliness and doing it on my own has just reached a breaking point.

Writing it down helps, being vulnerable though is quite difficult. I feel like writing out the issues I’m having with my kids makes me a bad mom, though I know this isn’t the case. And I know that at the core of everything I’m the best mom to all of them, but I’m still human. Being a mom is not easy, solo parenting is not easy and I’m doing the best I can with what I have.